SCENE: In a sex shop.
MAN: I'm looking for a religious sex doll.
CLERK: What kind do you want? We have dolls of varying sophistication. We have Christian, Tibetan Buddhist, Jewish, Mormon, Hindu, Scientologist, and Muslim ones. And we have three varieties of Christian: Pentecostal, Original, and American. We also have a witch model and a few miscellaneous models.
MAN: What's the difference between the three Christian varieties?
CLERK: The Pentecostal one speaks in tongues, if you catch my drift. The other two require a credit card to operate. The Original one immediately transfers all of the money to charity, but the American one just keeps the money and repeats, "God helps those who help themselves!"
MAN: What's with the Tibetan Buddhist one?
CLERK: Usually they just sit there quietly chanting. They have become popular with Chinese customers lately, who only want to beat them or hack them to pieces.
MAN: What's the deal with the witch and miscellaneous models?
CLERK: Ah, yes, the "Christine O'Donnell" doll. We don't sell many of those because they refuse to have sex. We have only sold those to American Christians who use them as role models. They are usually mounted over the television using a vertical broomstick inserted in the, uh, coin slot.
We stopped selling the "Ann Coulter" doll after too many customers lost their penis in the toy snapping turtles hidden in her snatch and mouth.
We also offer a "Jenny McCarthy" doll. You can do anything to her except give her a vaccination.
If you are interested in a capitalist doll, I suggest the "Maria Bartiromo." You can crap, pee, or squirt in her mouth and she'll swallow it all, as long as you work on Wall Street. Of course, from time to time you have to open her up and bail her out.
I do caution you about our communist doll -- the "Jane Fonda" -- as many customers have reported that they ended up in a labor camp after buying her. They are very popular with employees and readers of the Guardian, Huffington Post, Reddit, MSNBC, and CNN.
We have two libertarian dolls, female and male. The "Ayn Rand" loves having sex with married men -- Congressmen, corporate officers, and Federal Reserve chairmen -- but her best trick is a "Midas Mulligan," a ménage à trois with you and a hedge fund manager. The "John Stossel" thinks he's human and wants to fuck interns and not pay them.
MAN: No, thanks! And the others?
CLERK: The Jewish one looks just like Michele Bachmann, but don't ever mention anything in her presence about cutting off aid to Israel or she will automatically start calling Jewish lobbyists, quoting from the Old Testament, and running for president.
The Mormon one looks just like a 12-year-old girl and only functions when she is at most one room away from at least two other similar dolls.
The Hindu one is inflatable, but instead of filling her with air, you fill her with a mixture of river water and sewage. Keep her away from hamburger.
The Scientologist one is really expensive to use. Every time you want to get screwed, you have to pay ten thousand dollars to a famous Hollywood celebrity. She files multiple lawsuits against you if you ever try to leave and/or defame her.
And the Muslim one is an old-fashioned inflatable doll who blows herself up.
© 2009-2019 TheSaucyMugwump
MAN: I'm looking for a religious sex doll.
CLERK: What kind do you want? We have dolls of varying sophistication. We have Christian, Tibetan Buddhist, Jewish, Mormon, Hindu, Scientologist, and Muslim ones. And we have three varieties of Christian: Pentecostal, Original, and American. We also have a witch model and a few miscellaneous models.
MAN: What's the difference between the three Christian varieties?
CLERK: The Pentecostal one speaks in tongues, if you catch my drift. The other two require a credit card to operate. The Original one immediately transfers all of the money to charity, but the American one just keeps the money and repeats, "God helps those who help themselves!"
MAN: What's with the Tibetan Buddhist one?
CLERK: Usually they just sit there quietly chanting. They have become popular with Chinese customers lately, who only want to beat them or hack them to pieces.
MAN: What's the deal with the witch and miscellaneous models?
CLERK: Ah, yes, the "Christine O'Donnell" doll. We don't sell many of those because they refuse to have sex. We have only sold those to American Christians who use them as role models. They are usually mounted over the television using a vertical broomstick inserted in the, uh, coin slot.
We stopped selling the "Ann Coulter" doll after too many customers lost their penis in the toy snapping turtles hidden in her snatch and mouth.
We also offer a "Jenny McCarthy" doll. You can do anything to her except give her a vaccination.
If you are interested in a capitalist doll, I suggest the "Maria Bartiromo." You can crap, pee, or squirt in her mouth and she'll swallow it all, as long as you work on Wall Street. Of course, from time to time you have to open her up and bail her out.
I do caution you about our communist doll -- the "Jane Fonda" -- as many customers have reported that they ended up in a labor camp after buying her. They are very popular with employees and readers of the Guardian, Huffington Post, Reddit, MSNBC, and CNN.
We have two libertarian dolls, female and male. The "Ayn Rand" loves having sex with married men -- Congressmen, corporate officers, and Federal Reserve chairmen -- but her best trick is a "Midas Mulligan," a ménage à trois with you and a hedge fund manager. The "John Stossel" thinks he's human and wants to fuck interns and not pay them.
MAN: No, thanks! And the others?
CLERK: The Jewish one looks just like Michele Bachmann, but don't ever mention anything in her presence about cutting off aid to Israel or she will automatically start calling Jewish lobbyists, quoting from the Old Testament, and running for president.
The Mormon one looks just like a 12-year-old girl and only functions when she is at most one room away from at least two other similar dolls.
The Hindu one is inflatable, but instead of filling her with air, you fill her with a mixture of river water and sewage. Keep her away from hamburger.
The Scientologist one is really expensive to use. Every time you want to get screwed, you have to pay ten thousand dollars to a famous Hollywood celebrity. She files multiple lawsuits against you if you ever try to leave and/or defame her.
And the Muslim one is an old-fashioned inflatable doll who blows herself up.
© 2009-2019 TheSaucyMugwump